Having just experienced the 5th year without my mother, and ex mother-n-law at Mother's day, and their birthdays, which are three days apart, and the same week as mother's day, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and decided to share.
After many years of conversation with my dear mother, I recall her wonderful memories of life with her mother-n-law, my grandmother. My grandmother, Lillie, had two sons, so she was extremely pleased when her boys got married, for she truly loved her daughter's-n-law. And, as an extra blessing, I was born, the first grandchild and a girl to boot! I, too, had such a wonderful mother-n-law experience.
Janice was sitting at the kitchen table at "her spot", and talking on the phone when I realized I had a friend for life. The conversation in progress was with her ex son-n-law, Ricky. "Her Spot" was strategially chosen so she could view her entire kingdom from her seat. The kitchen, living room, front and back doors, front and back yards and garden were all visible with just a turn of the head. "Her spot" was the envy of everyone because of its ideal location at the kitchen table. The buffet directly behind her seat held everything she needed including her medicine case, her deck of cards for Canasta, dominos, note pads, pencils, and other daily necessities.
"Her spot" provided many wondeful meal time memories, good food, conversation, crafting, and entertainment. From nearly anywhere in the house, Nana Jan could be seen in "her spot" She was a monument for stability, and my mentor.
Quite photogenic, her vivacious spirit, charismatic nature, and pixie-esque quality charmed most everyone she met. NanaJan, we love you and miss you!
Horror Stories
I've heard actual horror stories about mother's-n-law in my social circle. One horrible example was the case of the Christmas Stocking. Ally, I'll call her, was married into a family that was like trying to breach an inner-sanctum. All co-dependent, her spouse, sister-n-law, and mother-n-law wouldn't let her in. It was so bad, everyone, but Ally, had a Christmas stocking at her mother-n-laws home. According to Ally, she had tried everything to no avail, and eventually, the marriage crumbled.
Beth, another anonymous friend, is in a situation where the siblings are not close, so the in-laws aren't either. And, the mother has Alzheimer's Disease. She feels lonely and detached from her husband's family and most of her own family is deceased.
A Mother and Her Child
One truly can not appreciate the love a mother has for her child until she experiences it for herself. That emotional bond is so strong that a mother would die for her children.
Daughters, please remember, the first woman in your husband's life was his mother. That, you can not change, nor should you want to. He is the person you married because of her. He learned to love, work, protect, and provide from her.
Yes, you should expect his priorities to shift after you are married, but don't make him give up his relationship with his mother. So, striking a healthy balance early on is imperative.
"It's Tradition"
When you marry, you bring two cultures into one family. Just because you did things one way growing up, doesn't mean you have to continue to do things the same way. Creating autonomy and customizing tradition is a top priority when you first get married. Setting boundries with the inlaws must be done early on in order to establish your family. And, don't play favorites.
Just Don't Be Petty
It's so easy to nit pick and develop grudges. The hardest thing I ever did was let my children go spend Christmas holidays with their dad. But, I felt since I had them all year long, I would rather give up one week than the other 51.
The first year was very difficult, but in the coming years, I actually looked forward to quiet time. I could shop after holiday sales, enjoy alone time, catch up on reading or favorite TV movies, or just sit and eat bon bons if I wanted.
When the children came home, I made it a very special continuation of the holiday and into the new year. Special circumstances demand special people making special plans in less than ideal situations.
Griping and Nagging - It DON'T Work!
In the event you aren't on good terms with your mother-n-law, nagging the spouse won't do any good. Ask your spouse to schedule a time to sit and discuss things in a positve, rational, and controlled environment. Never try to discuss anything right after work, when you are tired, just before bed, during times with interruptions such as TV or children, or when you are sick or hungry.
Give each other the time to completely express a thought before responding. Don't critize, interrupt, slam, or argue. Rephrase to determine the correct interpretation of what was said. Think before you speak. Use a calm voice, with positive verbage. Keep a list of topics to discuss. (I wouldn't try to tackle 15 things at a time, but listing things you want to say would help you remember.) And, using an egg timer can help with time limits to ensure equal time to speak and respond.
One night might be scheduled to express the complaint, allowing a full day for reflection, and the following evening for responses. Find a system for positive communication and use it as a tool for growing your relationship. It's a key to a successful marriage.
Case in point. NanaJan was a wonderful decorator, and had an eye for detail. After a few years of mentoring on her part, I was developing my own style. However, each time she visited, she would rearrange things and it begain to get on my nerves. After discussing this with my husband, he frankly said, that was who she was, and she wouldn't change.
So, I just changed my attitude. We would discuss the why's things needed to be where they were, and make some adjustments. If I didn't like her suggestions, I would just put it back after she left. It made her happy, made my husband happy because he wasn't caught in the middle, and kept my blood pressure down. Pick your battles! Simple as that.
Harmonious Living
You may never have a great relationship with your in laws, or even a good one. If you can honestly say you put your best foot forward, offered respect even if it wasn't returned, communicated positively instead of being rude and argumentative, and be consistant with your efforts, you will feel better about yourself even if you don't feel better about your relationship. A positive attitude is like a ray of sunshine, and one day, it may break through those gray clouds.
Good luck, and God Bless.
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