Mother-n-love, or Monster-n-law: How does your mother-n-law rate?

More often that not, the word mother-n-law conjures up a host of negative emotions.  Jane Fonda's infamous role as mother-n-law in the movie, "Monster-n-law" is an extreme example of what NOT to do to gain your child's future spouse's respect and approval.  

Having just experienced the 5th year without my mother, and ex mother-n-law at Mother's day, and their birthdays, which are three days apart, and the same week as mother's day, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and decided to share.

After many years of conversation with my dear mother, I recall her wonderful memories of life with her mother-n-law, my grandmother.  My grandmother, Lillie, had two sons, so she was extremely pleased when her boys got married, for she truly loved her daughter's-n-law.  And, as an extra blessing, I was born, the first grandchild and a girl to boot!  I, too, had such a wonderful mother-n-law experience.

Janice was sitting at the kitchen table at "her spot", and talking on the phone when I realized I had a friend for life.  The conversation in progress was with her ex son-n-law, Ricky.  "Her Spot" was strategially chosen so she could view her entire kingdom from her seat.  The kitchen, living room, front and back doors, front and back yards and garden were all visible with just a turn of the head.  "Her spot" was the envy of everyone because of its ideal location at the kitchen table.  The buffet directly behind her seat held everything she needed including her medicine case, her deck of cards for Canasta, dominos, note pads, pencils, and other daily necessities.  

"Her spot" provided many wondeful meal time memories, good food, conversation, crafting, and entertainment.  From nearly anywhere in the house, Nana Jan could be seen in "her spot"  She was a monument for stability, and my mentor.  

Quite photogenic, her vivacious spirit, charismatic nature, and pixie-esque quality charmed most everyone she met. NanaJan, we love you and miss you!

Horror Stories 

I've heard actual horror stories about mother's-n-law in my social circle. One horrible example was the case of the Christmas Stocking.  Ally, I'll call her, was married into a family that was like trying to breach an inner-sanctum.  All co-dependent, her spouse, sister-n-law, and mother-n-law wouldn't let her in.  It was so bad, everyone, but Ally, had a Christmas stocking at her mother-n-laws home.  According to Ally, she had tried everything to no avail, and eventually, the marriage crumbled.

Beth, another anonymous friend, is in a situation where the siblings are not close, so the in-laws aren't either.  And, the mother has Alzheimer's Disease.  She feels lonely and detached from her husband's family and most of her own family is deceased.

A Mother and Her Child

One truly can not appreciate the love a mother has for her child until she experiences it for herself.  That emotional bond is so strong that a mother would die for her children.

Daughters, please remember, the first woman in your husband's life was his mother.  That, you can not change, nor should you want to.  He is the person you married because of her.  He learned to love, work, protect, and provide from her.  

Yes, you should expect his priorities to shift after you are married, but don't make him give up his relationship with his mother.  So, striking a healthy balance early on is imperative.

"It's Tradition"

When you marry, you bring two cultures into one family.  Just because you did things one way growing up, doesn't mean you have to continue to do things the same way.  Creating autonomy and customizing tradition is a top priority when you first get married.  Setting boundries with the inlaws must be done early on in order to establish your family.  And, don't play favorites.

Just Don't Be Petty

It's so easy to nit pick and develop grudges. The hardest thing I ever did was let my children go spend Christmas holidays with their dad.  But, I felt since I had them all year long, I would rather give up one week than the other 51.  

The first year was very difficult, but in the coming years, I actually looked forward to quiet time.  I could shop after holiday sales, enjoy alone time, catch up on reading or favorite TV movies, or just sit and eat bon bons if I wanted.

When the children came home, I made it a very special continuation of the holiday and into the new year.  Special circumstances demand special people making special plans in less than ideal situations.

 Griping and Nagging - It DON'T Work!

In the event you aren't on good terms with your mother-n-law, nagging the spouse won't do any good.  Ask your spouse to schedule a time to sit and discuss things in a positve, rational, and controlled environment.  Never try to discuss anything right after work, when you are tired, just before bed, during times with interruptions such as TV or children, or when you are sick or hungry. 

Give each other the time to completely express a thought before responding.  Don't critize, interrupt, slam, or argue.  Rephrase to determine the correct interpretation of what was said. Think before you speak. Use a calm voice, with positive verbage.  Keep a list of topics to discuss.  (I wouldn't try to tackle 15 things at a time, but listing things you want to say would help you remember.)  And, using an egg timer can help with time limits to ensure equal time to speak and respond. 

One night might be scheduled to express the complaint, allowing a full day for reflection, and the following evening for responses.   Find a system for positive communication and use it as a tool for growing your relationship.  It's a key to a successful marriage.

Case in point.  NanaJan was a wonderful decorator, and had an eye for detail.  After a few years of mentoring on her part, I was developing my own style.  However, each time she visited, she would rearrange things and it begain to get on my nerves.  After discussing this with my husband, he frankly said, that was who she was, and she wouldn't change.  

So, I just changed my attitude.  We would discuss the why's things needed to be where they were, and make some adjustments. If I didn't like her suggestions, I would just put it back after she left.  It made her happy, made my husband happy because he wasn't caught in the middle, and kept my blood pressure down.  Pick your battles! Simple as that. 

Harmonious Living

You may never have a great relationship with your in laws,  or even a good one.  If you can honestly say you put your best foot forward, offered respect even if it wasn't returned, communicated positively instead of being rude and argumentative, and be consistant with your efforts, you will feel better about yourself even if you don't feel better about your relationship.  A positive attitude is like a ray of sunshine, and one day, it may break through those gray clouds.

Good luck, and God Bless. 

As time goes by...

Living life to the fullest, and looking forward to our future are sometimes dampened by the pull of the bittersweet past.  How sweet it was.

by Carolyn Roberson, Feb 1, 2012

Call me naïve, simplistic, backward, whatever you want, but I really miss yesteryear.  Bittersweet memories of times gone by flood my head, and heart with so much emotion I swell to tears at times.

The television program, “The Waltons,” is one of my favorites.  A life time progresses as I watch each re-run while the family deals with sickness, love, life lessons, loss of a loved one, growing up, growing old, and moving away from the mountain.  Yet, I can turn back time, and watch it all over again. 

Life does not imitate art in this instance.  We cannot turn back the calendar.  We are given but one life.  How we live that life is up to each of us.  Granted we have certain societal rules, cultural guidelines, and government keeping us in the general flow of things, but living in the land of the free, we can choose how we live.

For most of us, life is good, and easy compared to the harsh times our ancestors faced.  Growing a garden, and hunting for wild game is as easy as shopping at your local grocery store.  Yet, our forefathers toiled for the luxury of eating.  Although, these days, it’s getting much harder to keep the pantry stocked because of the economy.

Tanner Farm

My daddy was from a large family although he only had one brother.  His mother; however, was one of seven living siblings: Bud, Sarah, Lillie (my grandmother), Gene, Nettie, Sally, Ed, and another who died as a young child.

Little Granny, as we called her, was about five foot tall, and Harrison, her husband, my great grandfather, was pushing seven foot.  Little Granny dipped snuff, and could be seen with a snuff ring around her mouth at any time. 

Most early Easters were spent on the farm.  Everyone’s families gathered outside the small, square, four-room house around tables, play pens, cars, and strategically far enough away from the outhouse to not notice.

The egg hunt was in the cow pasture, and one year Aunt Nettie sat in a cow patty.  Those were such sweet times, ones I cherish in my memory, and fortunately on 8mm tape, which I have converted to disc.

Rotation

After Harrison and Granny Tanner died, our family started rotating holidays between my mother’s and daddy’s brothers’ houses and our house. 

Thanksgiving was at our house because we had a huge, country table with benches and extensions.  It sat 23 people once when all of the leaves where in place, and the benches and matching chairs were brought in.

Easter was at Momma’s brother’s house because he had land, and a pond.  Uncle Wayne’s place was a great place for the egg hunt. 

My great grandfather on my mother’s side, Ellis, loved to fish in that pond.  But, he wouldn’t go if the cows were lying down because the fish weren’t biting.

Christmas was at Daddy’s brother’s house:  Uncle Bob, and Aunt Clara.

Once I spent the night with my Aunt Clara before Christmas and she decided we would make popcorn balls.  She had never made them before.  We popped the corn, and added the corn syrup, and had a sticky, gooey mess.  My Uncle Bob had to rescue us and explained the syrup had to be at hard boil stage to make the popcorn balls.  By the time we were finished, we were too tired to eat them.

This arrangement went on for years until my Daddy passed away, and Uncle Wayne sold his land.  Aunt Clara still hosts Christmas and we all have a standing invitation.  And, Uncle Wayne has a different place, with lots of land where we can go have bonfires, cook outs, ride horses, and play softball together. 

My Family

I had a very loving family.  My parents were strict, demanded excellence, and were ethical with high moral standards.  This balanced out with tolerance, attention and love.  We also were afforded a rich, Christian heritage founded in Southern Baptist belief.

Momma, and Daddy both worked for the city in the Police, and Fire Departments.   They each retired, and went on to work other jobs.  Momma actually was able to retire a second time from the county. Daddy was a drill instructor in the Air Force before I was born, so you might imagine how our house was run!

Momma Louise

Momma Louise was my babysitter.  An ENTIRE blog can be written about Momma Louise.  You can come back later and read a blog dedicated to Momma Lou.   But I will say this much, I had the most incredible, and magical childhood any child could ever wish for much less realize!

This woman was super woman.  She had to be because she cared for her four children, me, and my two siblings, and, a lot of times, her niece and nephew.  Nine children, that is a small herd!

Yesteryear

Living in yesteryear is not a great place to hide out.  But visiting these sweet memories is so much fun.  Time marches forward, and now I’m making memories with three sons of my own, and my super sweet niece. 

I’ll close this post with a verse that has become dear to my heart and is a good reminder for the day.

1 Thessalonians 4:11 …Aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your own hands

It kind of fits into what I’ve been talking about.  Don’t cha think?!